Your Boobs Look Bigger and Other Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

On the heels of my what not to say to new parents post and this Today Show segment on pregnancy etiquette, I am sharing some thoughts about the comments I received while pregnant. And yes, I had two people (in the workplace!) tell me they noticed my growing chest during my pregnancy.

I would like to think that my somewhat unique work environment contributed to the strangeness/inappropriateness/I-can't-believe-someone-actually-said-that-to-you-ness of these comments, but I have a feeling most pregnant women have experienced untoward remarks. Perhaps I heard them in higher volume, as my job involves planning events for large groups of people. That said, if you have been pregnant, you know what I am talking about.

"Your belly looks huge!"

"Are you having twins?"

"You must be having a boy--you are carrying so low."

"Do you plan to breastfeed?"

"Will you get an epidural?"

"How much weight have you gained?"

And there were even more. Daily reminders about my giant belly. One person thought that I had been pregnant so long I must be on my second pregnancy. Don't forget the belly touching. As with the newborn eating and sleeping questions, I didn't always mind the belly touching. In fact, if you asked before touching, I didn't mind at all. I did mind when I walked out of a bathroom stall and a woman I didn't know touched my belly.

Most of the time, the comments didn't get to me. I recognized that being pregnant meant I would gain weight and grow a protruding belly. However, I did walk around for the first eight months thinking my belly was abnormally large (the twins comments may have contributed to this). It took until I hit 30-something weeks when my doctor told me my belly was measuring perfectly normal, and I attended my first labor and delivery class, for me to realize that my belly was not extra large. In fact, I looked more comfortable hauling around my belly than many of the other women at the class.

This is what 9 months pregnant looks like.

The common denominator with the comments and the belly touching is that they are all explicitly about my body. My family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances are kind, good people. I don't think the big belly comments were meant to hurt. Rather, they came out of excitement. I was having a baby and the big belly was proof of that. How wonderful! They wanted to share in my happiness. I was happy. The female body is truly amazing but that shouldn't make it okay for people to comment about it, to ask you if you plan to have anesthesia during delivery or to wonder about your bra size. Being pregnant puts women on display in a way men never experience. Most of the display is positive. Celebrity culture makes the baby bump a fashion statement. But some of the display seems unfair. While pregnant, several of my male colleagues' partners were pregnant. Each of our families were experiencing the same pregnancy excitement and impending changes to our families and finances, but my size often seemed to be center state.

This is all to say that pregnancy made me rethink the way society views women's bodies. I am all for glorifying the pregnant body but not in a way that objectifies it or makes it more relevant than any other type of body. Either we talk about all bodies, or we don't talk about bodies at all. Going forward, I will use the following as my guideline (because I too am guilty of commenting on the pregnant belly): if we didn't talk bodies before you became pregnant, it is not my place to bring up your body after you became pregnant.

How is your baby eating and sleeping?

She's great.

By far, the most common questions I am asked about my daughter (and have been asked since her birth) are how she is eating and sleeping. For the first month or two, I answered with varying degrees of detail or vagueness depending on to whom I was speaking. Now, I just reply, "She's great."

Before my new parent rant about why I find these questions frustrating, I acknowledge that these are not malicious or mean questions. I am an overly sensitive new parent, and frankly, I am still bubbling over with postpartum hormones. Most people who ask how my baby s eating and sleeping have the best intentions. They are hoping for a positive answer, only wish us the best and may be genuinely curious. Since eating and sleeping are a newborn baby's primary activities, people understand these questions to be logical and caring.

Despite my weariness with the topics of eating or sleeping, it doesn't always frustrate me when I am asked about them. For example, I am tolerant of them questions when they are asked by:

• Close family or friends. I know they are asked out of love and care for my baby and my well-being.
• Expectant parents. Pregnancy is exciting and overwhelming; it is only natural for expectant parents to be curious about these topics.
• Other new parents. We are all in the same boat and can empathize with one another.

Now for the rant: eating and sleeping are challenging. Logically, I knew this before becoming a parent, but it is a whole other thing to experience it.

Parent or not, we all have struggles. Often, we are able to choose, or at least have some control, with whom we share these struggles. If you are experiencing difficulty and work or marital strife, you may decide to talk about these issues with family/friends/coworkers/acquaintances who are not immediately involved in the situation, or you may not. This is not so with a baby. Even though a baby's eating and sleeping can involve very personal things (emotions, marital relationships, breasts), all of a sudden you have a baby, and they are fair game. Eating and sleeping seem to be about my baby, but they are also about me.

There are so many politics involved with how we raise our children. We hear that "breast is best," however some people formula feed with great success. Sleeping through the night and self-soothing are the gold standard for some parents, however those who practice attachment parenting might disagree. A baby who eats and sleeps well may or may not be a reflection of how she is cared for, and the same can be said about a baby who sleeps poorly. Babies are individuals, and there is only so much that parents can do to change their child's natural inclinations, especially in the newborn days.

As my baby gets older, I'm sure I will write a post titled: "Is your baby walking and talking?", as developmental milestones can be as touchy as newborn realities. Eating and sleeping may be old news by then, but for now, skip  these loaded questions. Instead, ask to see a photo of my baby and tell me she is beautiful.

And Now I am a Mom (Plus Healthyish Banana Bread)

I took a blogging break. Again. And now I am a mom. Quite a break; I know!

The good news is that I still eat a lot of salad and plan to continue doing so. Most salads these days involve quinoa. One day, I might even write about these salads. For now, I want to write about being a mom. I don't plan to change the name of the blog because, frankly, I don't have many (any?) followers. As I mentioned in my first post over two years ago, I hoped this blog would encourage me to exercise my writing muscles. I no longer have much free time on my hands, but I have more going on in my head than ever before. Motherhood has been an incredible, positive life change, and sometimes, it feels all-consuming. Instead of thinking and rethinking about being a mommy, I decided to put pen to the paper and finger to the keyboard and share some of those thoughts. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read these thoughts besides my husband, but that is okay.

This blog is about my experience with motherhood (and some recipes--I can't help myself). I do not intend any of my posts to be preachy, but you should read at your own risk. I learned early on not to judge how other people parent. As long as children are safe and healthy, it's not my business. If any posts seem judgmental, just know that it is not my aim. I've learned a lot from reading other parents' blogs, and I love reading and hearing birth stories (more on this in a future post). With the encouragement of my husband, I am making some of my experiences with pregnancy and motherhood publicish (the ish because beyond sharing a link on Facebook, I don't know how anyone would find my blog).

If you have read this far, I salute you and reward you with a recipe for banana bread. My family has a delicious but not all that healthy recipe for banana bread. Being postpartum and hoping to lose a few pounds, I attempted to make the recipe a little healthier but still delicious. My recipe edits made for a denser bread (okay, cake), which makes a hearty snack.


Healthyish Banana Bread

• 1 cup flour
• 1/2 cup oats (I used quick oats because that is what I had in the house)
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 2 eggs
• 1/4 cup butter
• 1/4 cup fat free Greek yogurt
• 1/4 cup apple sauce
• 1 cup ripe mashed bananas (about 2 medium bananas)
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Optional crumb topping:

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1/2 cup oats
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1 Tbs butter (I used Smart Balance)
• 1/4 cup apple sauce
• 1/4 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix ingredients for banana bread. If you want to be fancy, you can cream the butter and sugar, add eggs, add other wet ingredients and then add dry ingredients, which should be premixed in another bowl. Chocolate chips go in last. Pour the batter into a loaf pan. If you want to make a lightened-up crumb topping, mix flour, oats and brown sugar. Than add the butter or butter substitute and apple sauce and mix together with a fork or your hands. Sprinkle the topping on top of the batter and sprinkle the chocolate chips on top of the crumb topping.

Bake for approximately 40 minutes and you get this:

Enjoy the banana bread plain or warmed up with a schmear of peanut or almond butter.