My daughter has had a cold for the past week or so, which means her witching hour (which also happens to be the one evening hour I get to spend with her after work each evening, but that is another post) is extra witchy. To combat her general disdain at being awake, Seth and I bundled the three of us up and ventured out for a before-bed walk. My daughter loves walks, especially in the Ergo, where she has the best view of the world outside our apartment. After a trip to a local discount store for Christmas cards, we headed to Rite Aid because Seth wanted ice cream for dessert (I made brownies last night, and Seth thought ice cream would be the perfect topper). As we walked across the store to the freezer aisle, a woman said, "Excuse me." I checked my pocket to see if I had dropped something, but my pocket was zipped. I turned around to see why she was stopping me, and she said, "Support your daughter's head."
Before I get into my snapping, I need to backtrack. This isn't the first time Seth or I have been told to support our daughter's head. When snoozing on the go in her stroller, my daughter often sleeps with her head craned forward or sideways. While the position looks uncomfortable to most, she likes it. Of course, we used proper head and neck support devices when she was a newborn. But as soon as she could support her head, and the car seat instructions ordered out to take out the newborn insert, her head flopped one way or the other when she fell asleep. And boy, did people like to comment about it. Did they think we were walking around publicly endangering our child? Did they not realize we would straighten her head, and then she would immediately re-position it? We figured that if she was uncomfortable, she would let us know--she was good about doing so in every other aspect of her life.
Back to Rite Aid. "Support your daughter's head." I responded in an aggressive, non-Liz manner. "She's almost nine months old. She knows how to hold her head up. She is leaning back on purpose." And she was. My daughter likes being held upside down. It makes her laugh. It is no surprise that in the Ergo she leans back for a different view of the world. (Occasionally, she even falls asleep in the Ergo with her head leaning back--imagine the looks we get then.) The woman apologized and went on her way, and Seth thoroughly enjoyed my reaction.
You see, I'm fed up with unsolicited advice. I'm cautious by nature and ask a lot of questions. At work, I tell my colleagues that I would rather them ask an abundance of questions along the way, than make mistakes in the end. I do not like failure, although I am trying to become more comfortable with it. (That too is another post.) I am new to parenting, and I want to be the best mom I can for my daughter. Sometimes I google, sometimes I ask other parents for help, and sometimes, I go with my gut. In fact, our pediatrician advises Seth and me to go with our guts more often than not because we know our child. We know her personality and how it changes based on the time of day and how much she has slept. We know which toys she likes best and that sometimes napkins and paper cups make the best playthings. We also know that really we know nothing because the minute we come to expect anything, it changes.
Why is it that having a baby brings on a barrage of advice? People do all sorts of things in their lives other than having babies, but there is something about a little one that begs, "let me tell you how you should be doing everything." What's so unique about parenting and babies is that parents and babies are all so different. As I've heard from many parents, what worked with their first child did not with the second. One child was colicky and the other wasn't. One slept through the night at two weeks and the other waited until two years. One was a champion breast-feeder and the other would only take a bottle.
I have come to discover that perhaps the people doling out all that advice don't even realize what they are doing. They did it one way or think everyone should do it one way, and you don't. So, they have to tell you, "do it this way," before stepping back and thinking that your way may be okay, too. This post wouldn't be complete without my advice. Unless that child is actually in danger, don't judge and don't speak up. And if you must judge, because most of us must, do it later, when that person is out of earshot or when you get home. We are all trying to do the best we can, and I promise, I'll speak up next time I need someone to remind me to hold my daughter's head up.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Everything I Thought I Would Blog About. . .
Way back when I decided that this blog would no longer be dedicated to salad but to mommying, I had a plan for all of the posts I would write. I was journaling at the time. . . a lot. . . and I thought that blogging would give me another, possibly more constructive, outlet for sharing my feelings. Boy, did I have a lot of feelings. The sheer volume of journal entries makes clear my emotional state for the first few months after my daughter's birth. I am thankful that my emotions were a case of overwhelm, lack of control and anxiety and nothing more serious. But, only looking back, do I realize how not myself I felt at the time.
Which brings me back to the topic at hand: all the things I wanted to write about on this blog but haven't. One of those things was emotions. Perhaps one day, I will go back and write these missing posts, but for now, I want to move forward. It is a new Jewish year after all. (Hello, 5775!)
In the meantime, here is an annotated list of potential and mostly unwritten blogs in alphabetical order (see, I'm regaining that control).
Advice
When you are pregnant or have a new baby there is a lot of advice, some of it helpful and some of it not. I strive to be a sieve, keeping the helpful advice and letting the not-so-helpful stuff strain right through. My big take away: every pregnancy/birth/mom/baby is different so what worked for another might work for you, but it also might not. That's okay. People share advice because they are kind and want to help.
Baby Products
Speaking of advice, this is one area where advice proves to be helpful. A coworker suggested we buy the Fisher Price Rock 'n' Play. This low cost, light weight sleeper takes up little space in a New York City apartment, travels well and is a great alternative to a bassinet. When we moved our daughter into her crib, we used the Rock 'n' Play as a place to put her down while we ate or for naps in the living room.
Now that we are past the newborn stage, I realize that products I recommend most are for newborns. Here are a few products we loved: Summer Infant SwaddleMe; Chux and snap shirts.
This is supposed to be an annotated list, so I won't go into too much detail about the above products. In one sentence for each product: flailing arms and crazy reflexes startled our baby from sleep, and the Velcro on the swaddles allowed us to keep her arms down and the baby peacefully asleep (later we used the Halo SleepSack Swaddle when she regularly broke out of the SwaddleMes). Chux are wee wee pads for humans and saved us many loads of laundry--on top of the changing table, when we need to change a diaper out of the house, for projectile spit up. While I didn't give birth to a particularly delicate baby, these shirts made dressing and undressing a newborn with a healing belly button much easier. Seth and I (but mostly Seth) made an amazing spreadsheet newborn shopping list that informed our registry and purchases. Perhaps one day I will share it in full here.
Baby Wearing
That last topic was hardly annotated, so let's see if I can do better. I love wearing my baby. Whether shopping in the crowded aisles of New York City grocery stores or taking the subway, it is simply more convenient not to be pushing a stroller. We were fortunate to inherit, borrow and be gifted four different baby-wearers (is that a real word?). The Ergo and Moby Wrap worked best for us. Seth and I wear the Ergo outside of the house, and I wore the Moby inside (I stopped using it after my maternity leave).
Birth Story
When I was pregnant and home with a newborn, I loved reading birth stories and was sure I would share mine here. Now, I'm not sure. Perhaps I will one day. Birth is a fascinating and amazing experience, and I found it empowering (and yes, painful--oh, the contractions).
Breastfeeding
Remember those emotions I described in the beginning of the post. I estimate that 95% came from anxiety related to breastfeeding. I'm not ready to write a full post, but breastfeeding did not come naturally to my daughter and me, and as someone who creates a plan and sticks to it, my expectations were not managed for this one. I do want to share my experience here one day.
Doula
A doula is a birth coach, and my doula was a key part of my birth story. I am so grateful we invested in this service. If I do share my birth story, Karla, my doula, will figure prominently.
Exercise
I started running regularly 10 years ago, and I ran up until mid-way through my first trimester when the nausea set in. I did not exercise as much as I thought I would during my pregnancy, but six weeks after birth, I was back on the treadmill walking and then running. I was surprised that I was able to pick up running just seven or eight weeks after having a baby, especially after slowing down during my pregnancy. I have to assume my pre-pregnancy runs were to thank for this.
Failure
At one of the happiest times in my life--I gave birth to a healthy baby girl--I also experienced professional and personal failure. I've moved on from some of these failures, but I am still struggling with others. It is fascinating how one can be so happy and yet so sad.
Hormones: Highs and Lows
Which gets us to hormones. From the oxytocin that immediately bonded me to my daughter to the hormones that made me cry or act irrationally, pregnancy and birth really did a number on my endocrine system.
Journaling
Which is why I journaled. I have journaled on and off throughout my life. Often, the little notebooks come out at liminal times, times of transition and newness. My postpartum journal is an important outlet for the emotions triggered by the aforementioned hormones. One day, I hope to give my baby journals (yes, I'm on number three) to my daughter, so she can read about the highs (her morning smiles) and lows (returning to work) of my parenting experience. Sometimes her dad pops in for a guest post. My writing has slowed down to about once every week or two now that I am back at work, but I plan to continue writing about her milestones and experiences through the rest of her first year.
Maternity Leave
This could be a whole other post on work-life policy as I think paid parental leave is an essential benefit. But, what I intended to blog about are my lessons from how I spent my maternity leave. My biggest takeaway is that I spent the first part of my maternity leave too connected to work. Smart phones make it much to easy to check email while feeding and rocking and doing other baby care tasks that allow for one free hand. With about one month left of my leave, I finally disconnected. It was great. If there is a next time around, I hope to strike a balance between occasional check-ins with work and long periods of disconnect in between.
Natural Birth
I've never understood why a drug-free birth is called natural. All birth is natural whether it is a c-section, an epidural or no drugs at all. Birth is an incredible achievement how ever it happens.
Post-Baby Body
I wrote this one!
Pregnancy
I feel like I should write about those 40 weeks (exactly!) that got me to motherhood. It was a healthy pregnancy, and I worked on the day I went into labor. Perhaps this will be a future post.
Prepping for Pregnancy and Birth
I wrote this one, too!
Returning to Work
This was hard. I so value being employed, but leaving my daughter was really hard. It was another one of those parenting things I just couldn't prepare for.
What Not to Say to a New Mom
I wrote this one, three!
Which brings me back to the topic at hand: all the things I wanted to write about on this blog but haven't. One of those things was emotions. Perhaps one day, I will go back and write these missing posts, but for now, I want to move forward. It is a new Jewish year after all. (Hello, 5775!)
In the meantime, here is an annotated list of potential and mostly unwritten blogs in alphabetical order (see, I'm regaining that control).
Advice
When you are pregnant or have a new baby there is a lot of advice, some of it helpful and some of it not. I strive to be a sieve, keeping the helpful advice and letting the not-so-helpful stuff strain right through. My big take away: every pregnancy/birth/mom/baby is different so what worked for another might work for you, but it also might not. That's okay. People share advice because they are kind and want to help.
Baby Products
Speaking of advice, this is one area where advice proves to be helpful. A coworker suggested we buy the Fisher Price Rock 'n' Play. This low cost, light weight sleeper takes up little space in a New York City apartment, travels well and is a great alternative to a bassinet. When we moved our daughter into her crib, we used the Rock 'n' Play as a place to put her down while we ate or for naps in the living room.
Now that we are past the newborn stage, I realize that products I recommend most are for newborns. Here are a few products we loved: Summer Infant SwaddleMe; Chux and snap shirts.
 |
| Wearing a SwaddleMe in the Rock 'n' Play |
Baby Wearing
That last topic was hardly annotated, so let's see if I can do better. I love wearing my baby. Whether shopping in the crowded aisles of New York City grocery stores or taking the subway, it is simply more convenient not to be pushing a stroller. We were fortunate to inherit, borrow and be gifted four different baby-wearers (is that a real word?). The Ergo and Moby Wrap worked best for us. Seth and I wear the Ergo outside of the house, and I wore the Moby inside (I stopped using it after my maternity leave).
Birth Story
When I was pregnant and home with a newborn, I loved reading birth stories and was sure I would share mine here. Now, I'm not sure. Perhaps I will one day. Birth is a fascinating and amazing experience, and I found it empowering (and yes, painful--oh, the contractions).
Breastfeeding
Remember those emotions I described in the beginning of the post. I estimate that 95% came from anxiety related to breastfeeding. I'm not ready to write a full post, but breastfeeding did not come naturally to my daughter and me, and as someone who creates a plan and sticks to it, my expectations were not managed for this one. I do want to share my experience here one day.
Doula
A doula is a birth coach, and my doula was a key part of my birth story. I am so grateful we invested in this service. If I do share my birth story, Karla, my doula, will figure prominently.
Exercise
I started running regularly 10 years ago, and I ran up until mid-way through my first trimester when the nausea set in. I did not exercise as much as I thought I would during my pregnancy, but six weeks after birth, I was back on the treadmill walking and then running. I was surprised that I was able to pick up running just seven or eight weeks after having a baby, especially after slowing down during my pregnancy. I have to assume my pre-pregnancy runs were to thank for this.
Failure
At one of the happiest times in my life--I gave birth to a healthy baby girl--I also experienced professional and personal failure. I've moved on from some of these failures, but I am still struggling with others. It is fascinating how one can be so happy and yet so sad.
Hormones: Highs and Lows
Which gets us to hormones. From the oxytocin that immediately bonded me to my daughter to the hormones that made me cry or act irrationally, pregnancy and birth really did a number on my endocrine system.
Journaling
Which is why I journaled. I have journaled on and off throughout my life. Often, the little notebooks come out at liminal times, times of transition and newness. My postpartum journal is an important outlet for the emotions triggered by the aforementioned hormones. One day, I hope to give my baby journals (yes, I'm on number three) to my daughter, so she can read about the highs (her morning smiles) and lows (returning to work) of my parenting experience. Sometimes her dad pops in for a guest post. My writing has slowed down to about once every week or two now that I am back at work, but I plan to continue writing about her milestones and experiences through the rest of her first year.
Maternity Leave
This could be a whole other post on work-life policy as I think paid parental leave is an essential benefit. But, what I intended to blog about are my lessons from how I spent my maternity leave. My biggest takeaway is that I spent the first part of my maternity leave too connected to work. Smart phones make it much to easy to check email while feeding and rocking and doing other baby care tasks that allow for one free hand. With about one month left of my leave, I finally disconnected. It was great. If there is a next time around, I hope to strike a balance between occasional check-ins with work and long periods of disconnect in between.
Natural Birth
I've never understood why a drug-free birth is called natural. All birth is natural whether it is a c-section, an epidural or no drugs at all. Birth is an incredible achievement how ever it happens.
Post-Baby Body
I wrote this one!
Pregnancy
I feel like I should write about those 40 weeks (exactly!) that got me to motherhood. It was a healthy pregnancy, and I worked on the day I went into labor. Perhaps this will be a future post.
Prepping for Pregnancy and Birth
I wrote this one, too!
Returning to Work
This was hard. I so value being employed, but leaving my daughter was really hard. It was another one of those parenting things I just couldn't prepare for.
What Not to Say to a New Mom
I wrote this one, three!
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Jersey Belle and Ice Cream Cake
I really like Bravo reality TV. I've been a follower of the Real Housewives franchise for years. Much like ice cream, they are a guilty pleasure. Just as I know eating ice cream is not particularly healthy, the reality TV shows I so enjoy are not particularly intelligent. Yet, you will still find me watching Real Housewives while eating ice cream. So much for health and intelligence!
Every now and then, Bravo reality surprises me. I recently started watching Jersey Belle. I hadn't planned to add another show to my reality TV repertoire (Real Housewives of New Jersey and Don't Be Tardy are currently on--a girl only has so much time in a week), but it was on demand, and I needed something to watch at the gym. Jersey Belle is essentially Real Housewives of Alabama with a head housewife from New Jersey, Jaime Primak Sullivan.I got hooked. Like all of my Bravo shows, it's a little silly. But unlike the other shows, it spotlights real issues: single moms, working moms, playing moms, and most notably, fertility challenges.
In the first episode of Jersey Belle, Jaime's friend Danielle openly discusses her fertility challenges. She has been married 11 years and indicates that she wants to become pregnant. Subsequent episodes show her going in and recovering from surgery for her endometriosis. Many women and couples struggle with fertility due to endometriosis and bevy of other causes. I was pleased to see these issues brought to light in a forum usually focused on gossip, flipping tables and lavish vacations. I know reality TV isn't real, but these episodes dealt with a very real issue. (Jaime also mentions her high risk pregnancy. With her third child, she had placenta previa, a serious condition where the placenta covers some or all of the mother's cervix.)
Maybe as a new mom, I am hyper aware of all things having a baby, and I wish there was more openness about these things on TV. Women should know that, to paraphrase Danielle, everyone has their thing. But it is also okay to be sad about that thing or seek support. I've already written about being a working mom, but I am sure I have a post in me about all of the parenting issues shown on Jersey Belle (I'll spare you). I value privacy, but sometimes, things need to be said out loud. Or on TV. So thank you Bravo execs, producers, Jaime and Danielle.
On a related note, I made an excellent ice cream cake for my birthday. (Reality TV is like ice cream, and the cake recipe came from my friend Sari who worked at Bravo.) Sari's recipe uses an Oreo "cake" base, two flavors of ice cream and chocolate syrup. With her recipe as a starting point and inspiration, I made this cake in celebration of my birthday.
It's not as much a recipe as a concoction. Here's what I did (there are lots of opportunities for substitutions):
Every now and then, Bravo reality surprises me. I recently started watching Jersey Belle. I hadn't planned to add another show to my reality TV repertoire (Real Housewives of New Jersey and Don't Be Tardy are currently on--a girl only has so much time in a week), but it was on demand, and I needed something to watch at the gym. Jersey Belle is essentially Real Housewives of Alabama with a head housewife from New Jersey, Jaime Primak Sullivan.I got hooked. Like all of my Bravo shows, it's a little silly. But unlike the other shows, it spotlights real issues: single moms, working moms, playing moms, and most notably, fertility challenges.
In the first episode of Jersey Belle, Jaime's friend Danielle openly discusses her fertility challenges. She has been married 11 years and indicates that she wants to become pregnant. Subsequent episodes show her going in and recovering from surgery for her endometriosis. Many women and couples struggle with fertility due to endometriosis and bevy of other causes. I was pleased to see these issues brought to light in a forum usually focused on gossip, flipping tables and lavish vacations. I know reality TV isn't real, but these episodes dealt with a very real issue. (Jaime also mentions her high risk pregnancy. With her third child, she had placenta previa, a serious condition where the placenta covers some or all of the mother's cervix.)
Maybe as a new mom, I am hyper aware of all things having a baby, and I wish there was more openness about these things on TV. Women should know that, to paraphrase Danielle, everyone has their thing. But it is also okay to be sad about that thing or seek support. I've already written about being a working mom, but I am sure I have a post in me about all of the parenting issues shown on Jersey Belle (I'll spare you). I value privacy, but sometimes, things need to be said out loud. Or on TV. So thank you Bravo execs, producers, Jaime and Danielle.
On a related note, I made an excellent ice cream cake for my birthday. (Reality TV is like ice cream, and the cake recipe came from my friend Sari who worked at Bravo.) Sari's recipe uses an Oreo "cake" base, two flavors of ice cream and chocolate syrup. With her recipe as a starting point and inspiration, I made this cake in celebration of my birthday.
It's not as much a recipe as a concoction. Here's what I did (there are lots of opportunities for substitutions):
- Line a spring form pan with wax paper.
- Take half a package of Birthday Cake Oreos (or any other type), place in a plastic zipper bag and crush. Press into the bottom of the pan.
- Spread ice cream over the Oreos until they are fully covered. It helps to let the ice cream soften a bit, and it is up to you how much you use. I used about 2/3 a container of Edy's Slow Churned Fudge Tracks.
- Crush the rest of the Oreos and press over the ice cream.
- Put down another layer of ice cream. I used the rest of the Fudge Tracks and about 1/3 a container of Edy's Slow Churned Peanut Butter Cup (my new favorite since Edy's doesn't seem to make the Birthday Cake flavor anymore).
- Spread about 1/2 a container of Cool Whip on top of that.
- Top with chocolate syrup, melted peanut butter (microwave for about 30-40 seconds), rainbow sprinkles and Peanut Butter MMs.
- Place in the freezer for at least three hours to set.
- Enjoy!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
My Post-Baby Body
A few days ago, I was riding the train home, and a woman made eye contact with me and offered me the empty seat beside her. Naive as I am, I thought she was simply being nice and notifying me, a standing passenger after a long day of work, about the two empty seats on her bench. As I was about to sit down, two other people went to sit down in those empty seats, and the seat-offering woman pointed at me and said, "She's pregnant."
Mortified for just a moment, I replied, "I'm not," and pushed my way to the other side of the train car. A few minutes later, my initial shock waned, and instead of my curt reply, I wish had said, "I was five months ago, but thank you for your support of postpartum women and their bodies."
Most days, I am just fine with my post-baby body. In fact, I thought looked quite nice in the dress the woman had mistaken for maternity wear. I don't weigh myself often, but if I had to guess, I would say that I am within five pounds of my pre-baby weight. I have a few pairs of pants that don't fit, and my chest hasn't yet resumed its pre-pregnancy proportions, but other than that, I feel pretty good about the way I look. Like many women I know, I have days where I feel fat and nothing seems to look good--but those days have nothing to do with having a baby five months ago.
Pregnancy and birth allowed me to appreciate my body in a whole new way. I grew a human and somehow got her out. What is more amazing than that! And even though, many of pre-pregnancy clothes do fit, my body is not he same. I am truly okay with that. My daughter is worth every stretch mark and varicose vein that it took to grow her.
A few years ago, a woman in my workplace congratulated me on being pregnant. As with the other day, I wasn't, and I didn't think the dress I was wearing gave the impression that I was with child (as someone who owns her fair share of empire waist and blousey shirts and dresses, I do own clothing that could be mistaken for maternity wear). But, a few years go, I was bothered by the comment, and not just in the moment as with the comment on the train. So, thank you pregnancy and birth. You've given me a new sort of confidence. I feel more internally confident because I have experienced what the human body is capable of. While externally, I would like to lose a few pounds and firm up, internally I know that even if I don't, my body can do great things. For her sake, I hope the woman on the train (who in my opinion should have learned this years ago) learns the all important lesson of never assuming a woman is pregnant. (Note to mass transit commuters: this does not mean you shouldn't give up your seat to a woman you suspect is pregnant. Just don't ask her when she is due!)
Mortified for just a moment, I replied, "I'm not," and pushed my way to the other side of the train car. A few minutes later, my initial shock waned, and instead of my curt reply, I wish had said, "I was five months ago, but thank you for your support of postpartum women and their bodies."
Most days, I am just fine with my post-baby body. In fact, I thought looked quite nice in the dress the woman had mistaken for maternity wear. I don't weigh myself often, but if I had to guess, I would say that I am within five pounds of my pre-baby weight. I have a few pairs of pants that don't fit, and my chest hasn't yet resumed its pre-pregnancy proportions, but other than that, I feel pretty good about the way I look. Like many women I know, I have days where I feel fat and nothing seems to look good--but those days have nothing to do with having a baby five months ago.
Pregnancy and birth allowed me to appreciate my body in a whole new way. I grew a human and somehow got her out. What is more amazing than that! And even though, many of pre-pregnancy clothes do fit, my body is not he same. I am truly okay with that. My daughter is worth every stretch mark and varicose vein that it took to grow her.
A few years ago, a woman in my workplace congratulated me on being pregnant. As with the other day, I wasn't, and I didn't think the dress I was wearing gave the impression that I was with child (as someone who owns her fair share of empire waist and blousey shirts and dresses, I do own clothing that could be mistaken for maternity wear). But, a few years go, I was bothered by the comment, and not just in the moment as with the comment on the train. So, thank you pregnancy and birth. You've given me a new sort of confidence. I feel more internally confident because I have experienced what the human body is capable of. While externally, I would like to lose a few pounds and firm up, internally I know that even if I don't, my body can do great things. For her sake, I hope the woman on the train (who in my opinion should have learned this years ago) learns the all important lesson of never assuming a woman is pregnant. (Note to mass transit commuters: this does not mean you shouldn't give up your seat to a woman you suspect is pregnant. Just don't ask her when she is due!)
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Book Review: Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time
Before I launch into my review, you should know that I have a deep personal interest in work-life balance and a professional interest in work-life policy. I think that makes me both an overly biased and skeptical reviewer. I read an excerpt of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time by Brigid Schulte in a magazine a few months after having a baby, and as I thought about my reentry to work, this seemed like the perfect tome to inspire finding and making time for the components of my life.
I really liked this book.
I also learned a few things about time management and living a full life:
1. We all approach balance differently. It is okay to mix family with work and work with family. It is also okay to create boundaries between work and home. There is no right or wrong way if it is working for you. In previous jobs, I never wanted to mix work with home. I disdained working at home and didn't check email on my cell phone. At my current job, I do check email from my cell phone. And despite my previous objections, a day working from home allows me to spend two additional hours with my daughter, as it eliminates my commute to work. Those two hours make a world of difference.
2. A true partner--whatever that might mean in your family--is essential. My partner is my husband, but Schulte writes of the importance alloparents in sharing childcare responsibilities. Whether you look to a parents, friends or paid caregivers, a mom doesn't have to do all of the child rearing, and for that matter, cooking, cleaning, life planning, etc. My husband and I never approached housework and childcare with traditional gender roles in mind. He likes to cook, so he does most of the cooking (the alternative would be eating a lot of salads). I like to bake, so I make sure that our freezer is always stocked with cookies and other baked goods. He works fewer hours and is usually home one day a week, so he does laundry while many of our neighbors are at work and the machines are empty. I fold the laundry and put our daughter's clothes away. While reading the section of Overwhelmed about love, I felt incredibly lucky to have a husband who shares in housework and childcare.
3. Embrace flexibility in the workplace. I already knew this one, but Schulte reinforced how important it is to value productivity over face time. There is no need to be the ideal worker who arrives to work early each day and frequently stays late. Since having my daughter, I make every effort to leave my office at 5:00 pm unless there is a meeting or program that requires my presence. If there is more work to be done, I can do it at home after she goes to sleep (see #1). Schulte presented case study after case study about how workplaces have allowed for unique schedules, and in one example, children at work. Each employer needs to determine how best to integrate flexible policies (for example, a receptionist or a barista cannot work remotely), but I know that this is a value for me at any place I seek employment.
4. Use your vacation time. This seems fairly simple, except for the fact that many Americans don't use all of their vacation time (myself included). Americans may be the most productive workers, but that is only because we work more hours!
5. Denmark seems like a pretty cool place to live in terms of not being overwhelmed. I'll let you read the book to better understand this one, but Schulte makes life in Denmark so appealing that she ends her chapter on Denmark with a few paragraphs of why the country is indeed not perfect.
Balance has always been important to me, but it has taken on a new meaning since I have had a child. If I work late, she will not see me until the next morning. My job often requires that I work late, so I as look forward to the fall when my evening work responsibilities increase, the seesaw of work and family will inevitably tilt toward work. But I guess that is the thing with maintaining balance: sometimes the seesaw tips. My goal as I venture further into the world of motherhood is to lean in to the tips on both the work and the family sides but to make sure that the seesaw never lands in one position for too long.
I really liked this book.
I also learned a few things about time management and living a full life:
1. We all approach balance differently. It is okay to mix family with work and work with family. It is also okay to create boundaries between work and home. There is no right or wrong way if it is working for you. In previous jobs, I never wanted to mix work with home. I disdained working at home and didn't check email on my cell phone. At my current job, I do check email from my cell phone. And despite my previous objections, a day working from home allows me to spend two additional hours with my daughter, as it eliminates my commute to work. Those two hours make a world of difference.
2. A true partner--whatever that might mean in your family--is essential. My partner is my husband, but Schulte writes of the importance alloparents in sharing childcare responsibilities. Whether you look to a parents, friends or paid caregivers, a mom doesn't have to do all of the child rearing, and for that matter, cooking, cleaning, life planning, etc. My husband and I never approached housework and childcare with traditional gender roles in mind. He likes to cook, so he does most of the cooking (the alternative would be eating a lot of salads). I like to bake, so I make sure that our freezer is always stocked with cookies and other baked goods. He works fewer hours and is usually home one day a week, so he does laundry while many of our neighbors are at work and the machines are empty. I fold the laundry and put our daughter's clothes away. While reading the section of Overwhelmed about love, I felt incredibly lucky to have a husband who shares in housework and childcare.
3. Embrace flexibility in the workplace. I already knew this one, but Schulte reinforced how important it is to value productivity over face time. There is no need to be the ideal worker who arrives to work early each day and frequently stays late. Since having my daughter, I make every effort to leave my office at 5:00 pm unless there is a meeting or program that requires my presence. If there is more work to be done, I can do it at home after she goes to sleep (see #1). Schulte presented case study after case study about how workplaces have allowed for unique schedules, and in one example, children at work. Each employer needs to determine how best to integrate flexible policies (for example, a receptionist or a barista cannot work remotely), but I know that this is a value for me at any place I seek employment.
4. Use your vacation time. This seems fairly simple, except for the fact that many Americans don't use all of their vacation time (myself included). Americans may be the most productive workers, but that is only because we work more hours!
5. Denmark seems like a pretty cool place to live in terms of not being overwhelmed. I'll let you read the book to better understand this one, but Schulte makes life in Denmark so appealing that she ends her chapter on Denmark with a few paragraphs of why the country is indeed not perfect.
Balance has always been important to me, but it has taken on a new meaning since I have had a child. If I work late, she will not see me until the next morning. My job often requires that I work late, so I as look forward to the fall when my evening work responsibilities increase, the seesaw of work and family will inevitably tilt toward work. But I guess that is the thing with maintaining balance: sometimes the seesaw tips. My goal as I venture further into the world of motherhood is to lean in to the tips on both the work and the family sides but to make sure that the seesaw never lands in one position for too long.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Birth and Parenting Prep: Part 2
Read Birth and Parenting Prep: Part 1 here.
Like many new FTMs (first-time mom--abbreviation borrowed from the mommy message boards. I highly recommend a visit to the mommy message board universe for both information and entertainment. If you do not find mommy message boards funny, you might not be the right audience for this blog.), I contributed financially to the lucrative parenting prep industry. Most of the books and classes I used to learn about the unknown universes of pregnancy, birth and child rearing had some value. During pregnancy, I knew what not to eat and why. I had a pretty good sense of what to expect with labor and birth especially given the fact that you can't expect anything. As for the actual baby, well, most of that has been learned on the job with advice from the pediatrician, others moms and The Baby Center sprinkled in.
Here goes Part 2 of my birth and parenting prep reviews beginning with the biggest waste of time and money of all my prep. For my very sophisticated rating scale, check out Part 1.
Class: NYU Langone Medial Center Prenatal Breastfeeding Class
While pregnant, I heard from several new breastfeeding moms that they wished they had taken a breastfeeding class while pregnant. NYU's Parent Education Program gives anyone who signs up for a parenting prep class a discount on the breastfeeding class, so it seemed like a no-brainer. At almost 38 weeks pregnant, I rushed out of work to make to make the 6 pm class only to arrive to an overly crowded room with 20 to 30 women and a few men. I was a few minutes late, but I had not missed a thing as the instructor, a lactation consultant and nurse about whom my birth class instructor raved, spent about an hour an a half telling us why to breastfeed. I had not dragged my exhausted self to midtown to pay someone to tell me about the benefits of breastfeeding and terrors of formula. When the instructor finally began to instruct, she prefaced her lesson with the fact that there is very little she can actually show us without an actual nursing baby present (I hear this, but then why offer the course?). She talked about latching and showed us a few photos, which was somewhat helpful, but when a woman asked about pumping, she said that topic would not be covered in this class and that we shouldn't even consider the pump for at least a month. There was no discussion of mastitis, sore nipples (because apparently if your baby latches correctly, your nipples will never be sore), hospital grade pumps, supplementing or what to do when ones' milk comes in. She left us with the number for the NYU breastfeeding support line and then proceeded to take questions long past the class' two and a half hour scheduled time allotment. (I did call the NYU breastfeeding support line, and it took 12 hours for a lactation consultant to return my call. In newborn baby land, 12 hours is an eternity.) I did struggle with breastfeeding, which I am sure increases my resentment towards this class and its instructor (yes, this is a rant), but immediately after the class, more than two weeks before I gave birth, I complained to my husband, colleagues and my OBGYN's office about how worthless the class was. Mostly because it was a waste of time and money during a period when I could use the extra time and money the most. I have a lot of good things to say about NYU (the the hospital and university), but the Violets/Bobcats really let me down this time.
Verdict: Skip it (perhaps other hospitals and organizations offer better classes?)
Class: North Shore-LIJ Friends and Family Infant CPR
My husband and didn't make it to an infant CPR class until after our daughter was born, but I am glad we found time for this class. (Before she was born, we watched a few online videos about how to administer infant CPR.) The most helpful part of the class was being able to practice giving CPR to an infant-sized dummy. Other than that, the rest of the class was very similar to the online videos we watched with the exception of being able to ask questions of the instructors. The class took place in a too-small room (what is it with these classes and their too-small spaces), where the instructors walked us through CPR and choking by showing an instructional video on a maybe 15 inch laptop screen. I would have preferred the instructors actually teaching the class, but at the very least, North Shore-LIJ could have arranged for a larger screen. Oy! That said, the class allowed be to practice a life-saving skill that I never want to use. And for that, the class was 100% worthwhile.
Verdict: A Must. The dummy makes all of the difference.
Book: The Sleepeasy Solution: The Exhausted Parent's Guide to Getting Your Child to Sleep from Birth to Age by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivack
I read this book before it could be of much help, so I don't feel I can review its technique just yet. I finished the book when my daughter was a week or two shy of three months, and the authors advised using its techniques on babies who are at least four months old and 15 pounds. I am a proponent of parents getting as much sleep as possible, which requires babies getting as much sleep as possible. The Sleepeasy Solution advocated for gentle sleep training. There will be some tears but also comforting. The book offered helpful information about how many hours my child should be sleeping, when to begin scheduling naps and ideas for a bedtime routine. The authors are a bit redundant and a little too sweet (suggesting a pint of ice cream to make it through the cries. I hear you, but no need to mention the ice cream more than once. It was cute the first time). We still aren't ready to sleep train, but if we do, perhaps I will write about it. In the meantime, I will keep this book on-hand as a resource.
Verdict: A Must. Maybe just wait until three and a half months or you are ready to sleep train to read it.
We also bought The Happiest Baby on the Block by Havey Karp. I only read a few pages (about the fourth trimester theory--fascinating), but my husband read it and found it helpful. We definitely buy into his five-S's--our daughter is still swaddled, uses a pacifier and we are all about the shhh's and Sleep Sheep.
The best prep for my labor and birth was our doula, who I will write about in a future post. She was awesome!
Like many new FTMs (first-time mom--abbreviation borrowed from the mommy message boards. I highly recommend a visit to the mommy message board universe for both information and entertainment. If you do not find mommy message boards funny, you might not be the right audience for this blog.), I contributed financially to the lucrative parenting prep industry. Most of the books and classes I used to learn about the unknown universes of pregnancy, birth and child rearing had some value. During pregnancy, I knew what not to eat and why. I had a pretty good sense of what to expect with labor and birth especially given the fact that you can't expect anything. As for the actual baby, well, most of that has been learned on the job with advice from the pediatrician, others moms and The Baby Center sprinkled in.
Here goes Part 2 of my birth and parenting prep reviews beginning with the biggest waste of time and money of all my prep. For my very sophisticated rating scale, check out Part 1.
Class: NYU Langone Medial Center Prenatal Breastfeeding Class
While pregnant, I heard from several new breastfeeding moms that they wished they had taken a breastfeeding class while pregnant. NYU's Parent Education Program gives anyone who signs up for a parenting prep class a discount on the breastfeeding class, so it seemed like a no-brainer. At almost 38 weeks pregnant, I rushed out of work to make to make the 6 pm class only to arrive to an overly crowded room with 20 to 30 women and a few men. I was a few minutes late, but I had not missed a thing as the instructor, a lactation consultant and nurse about whom my birth class instructor raved, spent about an hour an a half telling us why to breastfeed. I had not dragged my exhausted self to midtown to pay someone to tell me about the benefits of breastfeeding and terrors of formula. When the instructor finally began to instruct, she prefaced her lesson with the fact that there is very little she can actually show us without an actual nursing baby present (I hear this, but then why offer the course?). She talked about latching and showed us a few photos, which was somewhat helpful, but when a woman asked about pumping, she said that topic would not be covered in this class and that we shouldn't even consider the pump for at least a month. There was no discussion of mastitis, sore nipples (because apparently if your baby latches correctly, your nipples will never be sore), hospital grade pumps, supplementing or what to do when ones' milk comes in. She left us with the number for the NYU breastfeeding support line and then proceeded to take questions long past the class' two and a half hour scheduled time allotment. (I did call the NYU breastfeeding support line, and it took 12 hours for a lactation consultant to return my call. In newborn baby land, 12 hours is an eternity.) I did struggle with breastfeeding, which I am sure increases my resentment towards this class and its instructor (yes, this is a rant), but immediately after the class, more than two weeks before I gave birth, I complained to my husband, colleagues and my OBGYN's office about how worthless the class was. Mostly because it was a waste of time and money during a period when I could use the extra time and money the most. I have a lot of good things to say about NYU (the the hospital and university), but the Violets/Bobcats really let me down this time.
Verdict: Skip it (perhaps other hospitals and organizations offer better classes?)
Class: North Shore-LIJ Friends and Family Infant CPR
My husband and didn't make it to an infant CPR class until after our daughter was born, but I am glad we found time for this class. (Before she was born, we watched a few online videos about how to administer infant CPR.) The most helpful part of the class was being able to practice giving CPR to an infant-sized dummy. Other than that, the rest of the class was very similar to the online videos we watched with the exception of being able to ask questions of the instructors. The class took place in a too-small room (what is it with these classes and their too-small spaces), where the instructors walked us through CPR and choking by showing an instructional video on a maybe 15 inch laptop screen. I would have preferred the instructors actually teaching the class, but at the very least, North Shore-LIJ could have arranged for a larger screen. Oy! That said, the class allowed be to practice a life-saving skill that I never want to use. And for that, the class was 100% worthwhile.
Verdict: A Must. The dummy makes all of the difference.
Book: The Sleepeasy Solution: The Exhausted Parent's Guide to Getting Your Child to Sleep from Birth to Age by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivack
I read this book before it could be of much help, so I don't feel I can review its technique just yet. I finished the book when my daughter was a week or two shy of three months, and the authors advised using its techniques on babies who are at least four months old and 15 pounds. I am a proponent of parents getting as much sleep as possible, which requires babies getting as much sleep as possible. The Sleepeasy Solution advocated for gentle sleep training. There will be some tears but also comforting. The book offered helpful information about how many hours my child should be sleeping, when to begin scheduling naps and ideas for a bedtime routine. The authors are a bit redundant and a little too sweet (suggesting a pint of ice cream to make it through the cries. I hear you, but no need to mention the ice cream more than once. It was cute the first time). We still aren't ready to sleep train, but if we do, perhaps I will write about it. In the meantime, I will keep this book on-hand as a resource.
Verdict: A Must. Maybe just wait until three and a half months or you are ready to sleep train to read it.
We also bought The Happiest Baby on the Block by Havey Karp. I only read a few pages (about the fourth trimester theory--fascinating), but my husband read it and found it helpful. We definitely buy into his five-S's--our daughter is still swaddled, uses a pacifier and we are all about the shhh's and Sleep Sheep.
The best prep for my labor and birth was our doula, who I will write about in a future post. She was awesome!
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Birth and Parenting Prep: Part 1
I'm back at work, which means spending as many non-work hours as possible with my daughter and less time with my computer. So much for becoming a regular blogger! Every now and then, I will pop in to share my experiences. Mostly as a record for me (and perhaps my daughter, one day), but also for anyone who cares to stop by The Weekly Salad (all three of you!).
With my daughter napping next to me and a banana bread in the oven (apparently since having a baby, the only thing I bake is banana bread. . .three times in less than four months), I will finish this post I started over a month ago after participating in an infant CPR class. Of all of the books and classes I used to help me prepare for pregnancy, birth and child-rearing, the CPR class was most helpful primarily because it allowed me to practice a technique that I never want to use on an infant dummy.
I am learning about this whole parenting thing on the job, which makes a lot of sense when one considers that babies are all so different. And so is pregnancy and so is birth. A few months into motherhood, I can confidently say that I over-prepared for something that there is no real way to prepare for. Like any good type-A individual, I was not about to launch myself into the unknowns of birth and parenting without preparation. My husband and I procured a few books, signed up for some classes and interviewed doulas. Some of the prep was helpful, and some, not so much. Based on my experience, here are my "reviews" of the books and classes. The doula needs her own post, but (spoiler alert) she was amazing and an important part of my birth experience.
Disclaimer: my reviews of the classes are specific to the content and the instructor. The same content with a different instructor may have been a more or less worthwhile experience. These are just my opinions; take them for what you will.
As a highly detail-oriented individual, I determined that the best order for my reviews is the order in which I experienced these various preparations. (At first I considered categorizing alphabetically, into books and classes, by pregnancy and postpartum. . .I hope you are enjoying this window into my brain.) I've rated each book or class on a highly sophisticated three-point scale of "a must," "eh" and "skip it."
Book: Expecting Better by Emily Oster
Early in my pregnancy, my husband sent me a link to Emily Oster's blog on Slate. Oster, an economist, approached pregnancy like an economist. She evaluated various studies and even a gynecological text book and presented the data in clear, non-medical terms. Oster turned the premise of the blog into a book, where she shares data on everything from drinking to epidurals, alongside her own experiences and decisions. I found Oster's book incredibly helpful. As a rule follower, I wanted rules for my pregnancy and birth, but every source--be it my doctors (I went to a practice with five OBs with five different opinions), books or the good old internet--disagreed on the how-it-is-supposed-to-be's. Expecting Better broke down the data from which the rules arise, and I found that helpful in the Wild West of pregnancy and birth. This book was a good starting point for pregnancy and birth prep. It gave me the lay of the land for this nine month plus a lifetime journey I was embarking on. Now, if Oster would only write a book on newborns and parenting.
Verdict: A Must
Book: The Dad's Playbook to Labor & Birth: A Practical and Strategic Guide to Preparing for the Big Day by Theresa and Brad Halvorsen
My husband was gifted this book by friends who already had two children and used the book. Clearly, they were in the know. While the book is technically for dads, I had a first go at the book. And boy, did I learn a few things. For example, what is a mucus plug and when should I expect to see one. I hadn't even heard the term "mucus plug" before reading this book. The Halvorsens guide was especially helpful to me because I knew very little about labor and birth at the time I read it. They break down labor and birth in simple, component parts and even include a glossary of confusing medical terms. Again, mucus plug? Expecting Better covers the whole pregnancy, while true to it's title, The Dad's Playbook to Labor & Birth focuses in on the last few days and hours of pregnancy. We've already passed on this primer to another expecting couple.
Verdict: A Must, but only if you haven't taken a labor and delivery class. I suspect other labor and birth books are equally as helpful.
Book: The Nursing Mother's Companion by Kathleen Huggins
This is a classic now in its sixth edition. I only made it through the first section of the book, which dealt with why to breastfeed and the first few months of breastfeeding. The book offered a lengthy dissertation of the pros of breastfeed, instead of getting right into the meat of how to actually do it and suggestions for troubleshooting breastfeeding issues. Yes, I get it. Breastfeeding is good for baby and mom. That is why I purchased the book. Now, tell me how to do it. For me, this book was not helpful, as I needed hands-on help to breastfeed. Instead of offering photographs, the book used line drawings that were not particularly illustative. I started reading the book while pregnant and did check back in with it shortly after my daughter was born, but it just didn't do it for me.
Verdict: Skip it and call a lactation consultant if you need help. This is one time you might consider using the internet for assistance.
Class: NYU Langone Medical Center Accelerated Prepared Childbirth
Over the course of two frigid Sunday's in February, my husband and I participated in this really long class. Taught by an experienced and entertaining labor and delivery nurse, the class covered everything from how to know you are in labor to the delivery to bathing, diapering and burping a newborn. I took notes. The class also included a virtual hospital tour, which my husband and I "took" at an earlier date. (Since the tour wasn't really a class, I won't be reviewing it here, but go on a tour of your hospital. You want to know where to park before you are in labor.) The course offered important information, but by the time we took it, I had already crossed into over-prepared territory. I read the above books, and we already hired and met with our doula who covered many of the same topics in the course. I was hoping that the instructor would spend more time on newborn care, but she spent no more than an hour of the 16 hour (!) course on that topic. I gained very little new information from the class, so for me, it felt like a waste of time and money. Birth classes do not come cheap! I did enjoy being in a room with other pregnant women with similar due dates. It was the first time in my pregnancy that I realized I wasn't carrying excessively large.
Verdict: Eh. The course would be more helpful, if I hadn't already read about many of the topics before attending.
That's all for now. Tune in soon for Part 2 featuring my reviews on my breastfeeding class, CPR class and sleep book.
With my daughter napping next to me and a banana bread in the oven (apparently since having a baby, the only thing I bake is banana bread. . .three times in less than four months), I will finish this post I started over a month ago after participating in an infant CPR class. Of all of the books and classes I used to help me prepare for pregnancy, birth and child-rearing, the CPR class was most helpful primarily because it allowed me to practice a technique that I never want to use on an infant dummy.
I am learning about this whole parenting thing on the job, which makes a lot of sense when one considers that babies are all so different. And so is pregnancy and so is birth. A few months into motherhood, I can confidently say that I over-prepared for something that there is no real way to prepare for. Like any good type-A individual, I was not about to launch myself into the unknowns of birth and parenting without preparation. My husband and I procured a few books, signed up for some classes and interviewed doulas. Some of the prep was helpful, and some, not so much. Based on my experience, here are my "reviews" of the books and classes. The doula needs her own post, but (spoiler alert) she was amazing and an important part of my birth experience.
Disclaimer: my reviews of the classes are specific to the content and the instructor. The same content with a different instructor may have been a more or less worthwhile experience. These are just my opinions; take them for what you will.
As a highly detail-oriented individual, I determined that the best order for my reviews is the order in which I experienced these various preparations. (At first I considered categorizing alphabetically, into books and classes, by pregnancy and postpartum. . .I hope you are enjoying this window into my brain.) I've rated each book or class on a highly sophisticated three-point scale of "a must," "eh" and "skip it."
Book: Expecting Better by Emily Oster
Early in my pregnancy, my husband sent me a link to Emily Oster's blog on Slate. Oster, an economist, approached pregnancy like an economist. She evaluated various studies and even a gynecological text book and presented the data in clear, non-medical terms. Oster turned the premise of the blog into a book, where she shares data on everything from drinking to epidurals, alongside her own experiences and decisions. I found Oster's book incredibly helpful. As a rule follower, I wanted rules for my pregnancy and birth, but every source--be it my doctors (I went to a practice with five OBs with five different opinions), books or the good old internet--disagreed on the how-it-is-supposed-to-be's. Expecting Better broke down the data from which the rules arise, and I found that helpful in the Wild West of pregnancy and birth. This book was a good starting point for pregnancy and birth prep. It gave me the lay of the land for this nine month plus a lifetime journey I was embarking on. Now, if Oster would only write a book on newborns and parenting.
Verdict: A Must
Book: The Dad's Playbook to Labor & Birth: A Practical and Strategic Guide to Preparing for the Big Day by Theresa and Brad Halvorsen
My husband was gifted this book by friends who already had two children and used the book. Clearly, they were in the know. While the book is technically for dads, I had a first go at the book. And boy, did I learn a few things. For example, what is a mucus plug and when should I expect to see one. I hadn't even heard the term "mucus plug" before reading this book. The Halvorsens guide was especially helpful to me because I knew very little about labor and birth at the time I read it. They break down labor and birth in simple, component parts and even include a glossary of confusing medical terms. Again, mucus plug? Expecting Better covers the whole pregnancy, while true to it's title, The Dad's Playbook to Labor & Birth focuses in on the last few days and hours of pregnancy. We've already passed on this primer to another expecting couple.
Verdict: A Must, but only if you haven't taken a labor and delivery class. I suspect other labor and birth books are equally as helpful.
Book: The Nursing Mother's Companion by Kathleen Huggins
This is a classic now in its sixth edition. I only made it through the first section of the book, which dealt with why to breastfeed and the first few months of breastfeeding. The book offered a lengthy dissertation of the pros of breastfeed, instead of getting right into the meat of how to actually do it and suggestions for troubleshooting breastfeeding issues. Yes, I get it. Breastfeeding is good for baby and mom. That is why I purchased the book. Now, tell me how to do it. For me, this book was not helpful, as I needed hands-on help to breastfeed. Instead of offering photographs, the book used line drawings that were not particularly illustative. I started reading the book while pregnant and did check back in with it shortly after my daughter was born, but it just didn't do it for me.
Verdict: Skip it and call a lactation consultant if you need help. This is one time you might consider using the internet for assistance.
Class: NYU Langone Medical Center Accelerated Prepared Childbirth
Over the course of two frigid Sunday's in February, my husband and I participated in this really long class. Taught by an experienced and entertaining labor and delivery nurse, the class covered everything from how to know you are in labor to the delivery to bathing, diapering and burping a newborn. I took notes. The class also included a virtual hospital tour, which my husband and I "took" at an earlier date. (Since the tour wasn't really a class, I won't be reviewing it here, but go on a tour of your hospital. You want to know where to park before you are in labor.) The course offered important information, but by the time we took it, I had already crossed into over-prepared territory. I read the above books, and we already hired and met with our doula who covered many of the same topics in the course. I was hoping that the instructor would spend more time on newborn care, but she spent no more than an hour of the 16 hour (!) course on that topic. I gained very little new information from the class, so for me, it felt like a waste of time and money. Birth classes do not come cheap! I did enjoy being in a room with other pregnant women with similar due dates. It was the first time in my pregnancy that I realized I wasn't carrying excessively large.
Verdict: Eh. The course would be more helpful, if I hadn't already read about many of the topics before attending.
That's all for now. Tune in soon for Part 2 featuring my reviews on my breastfeeding class, CPR class and sleep book.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Your Boobs Look Bigger and Other Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman
On the heels of my what not to say to new parents post and this Today Show segment on pregnancy etiquette, I am sharing some thoughts about the comments I received while pregnant. And yes, I had two people (in the workplace!) tell me they noticed my growing chest during my pregnancy.
I would like to think that my somewhat unique work environment contributed to the strangeness/inappropriateness/I-can't-believe-someone-actually-said-that-to-you-ness of these comments, but I have a feeling most pregnant women have experienced untoward remarks. Perhaps I heard them in higher volume, as my job involves planning events for large groups of people. That said, if you have been pregnant, you know what I am talking about.
"Your belly looks huge!"
"Are you having twins?"
"You must be having a boy--you are carrying so low."
"Do you plan to breastfeed?"
"Will you get an epidural?"
"How much weight have you gained?"
And there were even more. Daily reminders about my giant belly. One person thought that I had been pregnant so long I must be on my second pregnancy. Don't forget the belly touching. As with the newborn eating and sleeping questions, I didn't always mind the belly touching. In fact, if you asked before touching, I didn't mind at all. I did mind when I walked out of a bathroom stall and a woman I didn't know touched my belly.
Most of the time, the comments didn't get to me. I recognized that being pregnant meant I would gain weight and grow a protruding belly. However, I did walk around for the first eight months thinking my belly was abnormally large (the twins comments may have contributed to this). It took until I hit 30-something weeks when my doctor told me my belly was measuring perfectly normal, and I attended my first labor and delivery class, for me to realize that my belly was not extra large. In fact, I looked more comfortable hauling around my belly than many of the other women at the class.
The common denominator with the comments and the belly touching is that they are all explicitly about my body. My family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances are kind, good people. I don't think the big belly comments were meant to hurt. Rather, they came out of excitement. I was having a baby and the big belly was proof of that. How wonderful! They wanted to share in my happiness. I was happy. The female body is truly amazing but that shouldn't make it okay for people to comment about it, to ask you if you plan to have anesthesia during delivery or to wonder about your bra size. Being pregnant puts women on display in a way men never experience. Most of the display is positive. Celebrity culture makes the baby bump a fashion statement. But some of the display seems unfair. While pregnant, several of my male colleagues' partners were pregnant. Each of our families were experiencing the same pregnancy excitement and impending changes to our families and finances, but my size often seemed to be center state.
This is all to say that pregnancy made me rethink the way society views women's bodies. I am all for glorifying the pregnant body but not in a way that objectifies it or makes it more relevant than any other type of body. Either we talk about all bodies, or we don't talk about bodies at all. Going forward, I will use the following as my guideline (because I too am guilty of commenting on the pregnant belly): if we didn't talk bodies before you became pregnant, it is not my place to bring up your body after you became pregnant.
I would like to think that my somewhat unique work environment contributed to the strangeness/inappropriateness/I-can't-believe-someone-actually-said-that-to-you-ness of these comments, but I have a feeling most pregnant women have experienced untoward remarks. Perhaps I heard them in higher volume, as my job involves planning events for large groups of people. That said, if you have been pregnant, you know what I am talking about.
"Your belly looks huge!"
"Are you having twins?"
"You must be having a boy--you are carrying so low."
"Do you plan to breastfeed?"
"Will you get an epidural?"
"How much weight have you gained?"
And there were even more. Daily reminders about my giant belly. One person thought that I had been pregnant so long I must be on my second pregnancy. Don't forget the belly touching. As with the newborn eating and sleeping questions, I didn't always mind the belly touching. In fact, if you asked before touching, I didn't mind at all. I did mind when I walked out of a bathroom stall and a woman I didn't know touched my belly.
Most of the time, the comments didn't get to me. I recognized that being pregnant meant I would gain weight and grow a protruding belly. However, I did walk around for the first eight months thinking my belly was abnormally large (the twins comments may have contributed to this). It took until I hit 30-something weeks when my doctor told me my belly was measuring perfectly normal, and I attended my first labor and delivery class, for me to realize that my belly was not extra large. In fact, I looked more comfortable hauling around my belly than many of the other women at the class.
 |
| This is what 9 months pregnant looks like. |
The common denominator with the comments and the belly touching is that they are all explicitly about my body. My family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances are kind, good people. I don't think the big belly comments were meant to hurt. Rather, they came out of excitement. I was having a baby and the big belly was proof of that. How wonderful! They wanted to share in my happiness. I was happy. The female body is truly amazing but that shouldn't make it okay for people to comment about it, to ask you if you plan to have anesthesia during delivery or to wonder about your bra size. Being pregnant puts women on display in a way men never experience. Most of the display is positive. Celebrity culture makes the baby bump a fashion statement. But some of the display seems unfair. While pregnant, several of my male colleagues' partners were pregnant. Each of our families were experiencing the same pregnancy excitement and impending changes to our families and finances, but my size often seemed to be center state.
This is all to say that pregnancy made me rethink the way society views women's bodies. I am all for glorifying the pregnant body but not in a way that objectifies it or makes it more relevant than any other type of body. Either we talk about all bodies, or we don't talk about bodies at all. Going forward, I will use the following as my guideline (because I too am guilty of commenting on the pregnant belly): if we didn't talk bodies before you became pregnant, it is not my place to bring up your body after you became pregnant.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
How is your baby eating and sleeping?
She's great.
By far, the most common questions I am asked about my daughter (and have been asked since her birth) are how she is eating and sleeping. For the first month or two, I answered with varying degrees of detail or vagueness depending on to whom I was speaking. Now, I just reply, "She's great."
Before my new parent rant about why I find these questions frustrating, I acknowledge that these are not malicious or mean questions. I am an overly sensitive new parent, and frankly, I am still bubbling over with postpartum hormones. Most people who ask how my baby s eating and sleeping have the best intentions. They are hoping for a positive answer, only wish us the best and may be genuinely curious. Since eating and sleeping are a newborn baby's primary activities, people understand these questions to be logical and caring.
Despite my weariness with the topics of eating or sleeping, it doesn't always frustrate me when I am asked about them. For example, I am tolerant of them questions when they are asked by:
Now for the rant: eating and sleeping are challenging. Logically, I knew this before becoming a parent, but it is a whole other thing to experience it.
Parent or not, we all have struggles. Often, we are able to choose, or at least have some control, with whom we share these struggles. If you are experiencing difficulty and work or marital strife, you may decide to talk about these issues with family/friends/coworkers/acquaintances who are not immediately involved in the situation, or you may not. This is not so with a baby. Even though a baby's eating and sleeping can involve very personal things (emotions, marital relationships, breasts), all of a sudden you have a baby, and they are fair game. Eating and sleeping seem to be about my baby, but they are also about me.
There are so many politics involved with how we raise our children. We hear that "breast is best," however some people formula feed with great success. Sleeping through the night and self-soothing are the gold standard for some parents, however those who practice attachment parenting might disagree. A baby who eats and sleeps well may or may not be a reflection of how she is cared for, and the same can be said about a baby who sleeps poorly. Babies are individuals, and there is only so much that parents can do to change their child's natural inclinations, especially in the newborn days.
As my baby gets older, I'm sure I will write a post titled: "Is your baby walking and talking?", as developmental milestones can be as touchy as newborn realities. Eating and sleeping may be old news by then, but for now, skip these loaded questions. Instead, ask to see a photo of my baby and tell me she is beautiful.
By far, the most common questions I am asked about my daughter (and have been asked since her birth) are how she is eating and sleeping. For the first month or two, I answered with varying degrees of detail or vagueness depending on to whom I was speaking. Now, I just reply, "She's great."
Before my new parent rant about why I find these questions frustrating, I acknowledge that these are not malicious or mean questions. I am an overly sensitive new parent, and frankly, I am still bubbling over with postpartum hormones. Most people who ask how my baby s eating and sleeping have the best intentions. They are hoping for a positive answer, only wish us the best and may be genuinely curious. Since eating and sleeping are a newborn baby's primary activities, people understand these questions to be logical and caring.
Despite my weariness with the topics of eating or sleeping, it doesn't always frustrate me when I am asked about them. For example, I am tolerant of them questions when they are asked by:
- Close family or friends. I know they are asked out of love and care for my baby and my well-being.
- Expectant parents. Pregnancy is exciting and overwhelming; it is only natural for expectant parents to be curious about these topics.
- Other new parents. We are all in the same boat and can empathize with one another.
Now for the rant: eating and sleeping are challenging. Logically, I knew this before becoming a parent, but it is a whole other thing to experience it.
Parent or not, we all have struggles. Often, we are able to choose, or at least have some control, with whom we share these struggles. If you are experiencing difficulty and work or marital strife, you may decide to talk about these issues with family/friends/coworkers/acquaintances who are not immediately involved in the situation, or you may not. This is not so with a baby. Even though a baby's eating and sleeping can involve very personal things (emotions, marital relationships, breasts), all of a sudden you have a baby, and they are fair game. Eating and sleeping seem to be about my baby, but they are also about me.
There are so many politics involved with how we raise our children. We hear that "breast is best," however some people formula feed with great success. Sleeping through the night and self-soothing are the gold standard for some parents, however those who practice attachment parenting might disagree. A baby who eats and sleeps well may or may not be a reflection of how she is cared for, and the same can be said about a baby who sleeps poorly. Babies are individuals, and there is only so much that parents can do to change their child's natural inclinations, especially in the newborn days.
As my baby gets older, I'm sure I will write a post titled: "Is your baby walking and talking?", as developmental milestones can be as touchy as newborn realities. Eating and sleeping may be old news by then, but for now, skip these loaded questions. Instead, ask to see a photo of my baby and tell me she is beautiful.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
And Now I am a Mom (Plus Healthyish Banana Bread)
I took a blogging break. Again. And now I am a mom. Quite a break; I know!
The good news is that I still eat a lot of salad and plan to continue doing so. Most salads these days involve quinoa. One day, I might even write about these salads. For now, I want to write about being a mom. I don't plan to change the name of the blog because, frankly, I don't have many (any?) followers. As I mentioned in my first post over two years ago, I hoped this blog would encourage me to exercise my writing muscles. I no longer have much free time on my hands, but I have more going on in my head than ever before. Motherhood has been an incredible, positive life change, and sometimes, it feels all-consuming. Instead of thinking and rethinking about being a mommy, I decided to put pen to the paper and finger to the keyboard and share some of those thoughts. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read these thoughts besides my husband, but that is okay.
This blog is about my experience with motherhood (and some recipes--I can't help myself). I do not intend any of my posts to be preachy, but you should read at your own risk. I learned early on not to judge how other people parent. As long as children are safe and healthy, it's not my business. If any posts seem judgmental, just know that it is not my aim. I've learned a lot from reading other parents' blogs, and I love reading and hearing birth stories (more on this in a future post). With the encouragement of my husband, I am making some of my experiences with pregnancy and motherhood publicish (the ish because beyond sharing a link on Facebook, I don't know how anyone would find my blog).
If you have read this far, I salute you and reward you with a recipe for banana bread. My family has a delicious but not all that healthy recipe for banana bread. Being postpartum and hoping to lose a few pounds, I attempted to make the recipe a little healthier but still delicious. My recipe edits made for a denser bread (okay, cake), which makes a hearty snack.
Healthyish Banana Bread
Optional crumb topping:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix ingredients for banana bread. If you want to be fancy, you can cream the butter and sugar, add eggs, add other wet ingredients and then add dry ingredients, which should be premixed in another bowl. Chocolate chips go in last. Pour the batter into a loaf pan. If you want to make a lightened-up crumb topping, mix flour, oats and brown sugar. Than add the butter or butter substitute and apple sauce and mix together with a fork or your hands. Sprinkle the topping on top of the batter and sprinkle the chocolate chips on top of the crumb topping.
The good news is that I still eat a lot of salad and plan to continue doing so. Most salads these days involve quinoa. One day, I might even write about these salads. For now, I want to write about being a mom. I don't plan to change the name of the blog because, frankly, I don't have many (any?) followers. As I mentioned in my first post over two years ago, I hoped this blog would encourage me to exercise my writing muscles. I no longer have much free time on my hands, but I have more going on in my head than ever before. Motherhood has been an incredible, positive life change, and sometimes, it feels all-consuming. Instead of thinking and rethinking about being a mommy, I decided to put pen to the paper and finger to the keyboard and share some of those thoughts. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read these thoughts besides my husband, but that is okay.
This blog is about my experience with motherhood (and some recipes--I can't help myself). I do not intend any of my posts to be preachy, but you should read at your own risk. I learned early on not to judge how other people parent. As long as children are safe and healthy, it's not my business. If any posts seem judgmental, just know that it is not my aim. I've learned a lot from reading other parents' blogs, and I love reading and hearing birth stories (more on this in a future post). With the encouragement of my husband, I am making some of my experiences with pregnancy and motherhood publicish (the ish because beyond sharing a link on Facebook, I don't know how anyone would find my blog).
If you have read this far, I salute you and reward you with a recipe for banana bread. My family has a delicious but not all that healthy recipe for banana bread. Being postpartum and hoping to lose a few pounds, I attempted to make the recipe a little healthier but still delicious. My recipe edits made for a denser bread (okay, cake), which makes a hearty snack.
Healthyish Banana Bread
- 1 cup flour
- 1/2 cup oats (I used quick oats because that is what I had in the house)
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 2 eggs
- 1/4 cup butter
- 1/4 cup fat free Greek yogurt
- 1/4 cup apple sauce
- 1 cup ripe mashed bananas (about 2 medium bananas)
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1/2 cup chocolate chips
- 1/2 cup flour
- 1/2 cup oats
- 1/4 cup brown sugar
- 1 Tbs butter (I used Smart Balance)
- 1/4 cup apple sauce
- 1/4 cup chocolate chips
Bake for approximately 40 minutes and you get this:
Enjoy the banana bread plain or warmed up with a schmear of peanut or almond butter.
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